I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
