i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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