if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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