he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
