Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize