I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
