Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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