He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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