Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
