I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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