its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
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