the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This girl is more easily done than said...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
