Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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