I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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