Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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