Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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