Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
