when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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