I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
