He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize