i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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