Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
