it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Pooping to opera.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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