Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
