I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
