I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Randomize
