is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just cut my nipple shaving
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
