My brain says no but my pants say off.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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