Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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