you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
