she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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