if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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