So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
