She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
