Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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