a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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