The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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