I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm too high and old for this...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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