I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Randomize
