uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize