i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
