He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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