please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
