last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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