Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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