Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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