So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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