Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
