..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
