I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
