Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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