I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
