Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
