11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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