i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
