I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize