Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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