Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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