I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
