she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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